What We Can Control

The illusion of control is, perhaps, the leading stressor for most human beings. Yes, there are legitimate worries–money, relationship troubles, sickness, war–but often the heavier burden is our mistaken notion that we are somehow responsible for everything that happens to us. The countless things we fret over are mostly out of our control, but unfortunately, we waste a lot of energy worrying about them or feeling bad about our inability to control the world around us.

Let’s take a lesson from the Stoics and focus on the only three things in this life that we can control. Maybe, by doing so, we can cut loose the onerous weight of the uncontrollable, and find new agency in our personal sphere of influence.

First, we can control our character. We can choose values and virtues that guide our behavior. It is wise to choose such timeless principles as respect, love, learning, and contribution as our guiding stars. When we act in accordance with these values, we sleep well at night. But it must be noted that our character is not the same thing as our reputation. We cannot control what other people think of us, and worrying about how we are perceived is one of the quickest ways to unhappiness. In the words of Ricky Nelson, “You can’t please everyone so you gotta please yourself.”

Second, while we can’t control the actions of others, we can control our actions and reactions. Of course, this is easier said than done; the ability to control ourselves assumes we have done the deep inner work necessary to become fully self-aware of our stories, triggers, biases, and blind spots. But when we have aligned the subconscious and conscious minds so that we are coherent in everything we say and do, we will discover an intense sense of empowerment. We will no longer feel like plastic bags in the wind, being blown this way and that by uncontrollable forces. The wind will never go away, but we will find within ourselves a more solid core that can stabilize itself amidst constant change.

Lastly, we can control how we treat other people in all our day-to-day interactions. It is not our responsibility to fix other people’s problems, and certainly not our job to control their lives, but it is a universal good to treat them as friends and allies in this world of contingency. Remember that every conversation is an opportunity to contribute to someone’s development. We can control how kind we are to everyone we interact with throughout our day. As A Course in Miracles reminds us, “When you have the opportunity to be right or kind, always choose kind.”

So, control the controllable and focus your energy on the only three things you have control over: your character, your actions and reactions, and how you treat others. By doing so, you will cast off a great deal of anxiety and guilt, and find within yourself a powerful, actionable agency.

If you’d like some help on your journey to empowerment, send me an email at ralph@getemergent.com.