Toxic Independence

For the longest time I’ve felt that there has been too much emphasis in our country on independence. We are told the country was founded by “independent thinkers” and the frontier settled by “rugged individualists.” There’s certainly virtue in marching to the beat of your own drummer (to paraphrase Thoreau, one of America’s great loners) but the independence-at-all-costs discourse never sat right with me.

A few weeks ago, I finally felt vindicated in this feeling while listening to a New Dimensions podcast in which sociologist Terry Deal described the phenomenon of “toxic independence.”

Examples of toxic independence are all around us. Think of high school graduations. Schools recognize the two students who independently have the highest GPAs. I have yet to attend one of these ceremonies where they honor the student who was most helpful and supportive of her classmates.

Consider, also, how people travel. In my experience, most people prefer to travel to Emergent’s leadership retreats separately, perhaps to maintain their flexibility for when they arrive and leave. When conducting team building sessions with intact and seemingly close leadership teams, I was often surprised to learn that every single one of the participants traveled to the event separately. Now, having noticed this trend, I make a point to ask retreat participants if any of them chose to come together. Usually, the thought never crossed their minds.

It seems obvious to me that relationship building is a key part of team development. What better way to get to know someone than by spending some windshield time with them, with no distractions but the world passing by? But people opt to travel alone, protecting their independence for both worthy and unworthy reasons.

This brings to mind the new phenomenon of “ghosting” appointments, interviews, and dinner reservations. If these aren’t examples of toxic independence I don’t know what is. Deciding not to show, without giving notice, betrays a total lack of consideration for all others affected by the decision. What happened to the concept of personal responsibility? The entire system is impacted when someone fails to show up.

Finally, I’ve noticed an increasing trend of people consistently showing up late for meetings and appointments. Lateness bothers me more than most. When people come late to meetings or training sessions, it makes it difficult for me, the facilitator, to know when to start the meeting for maximum impact. Now, even I realize there are often good reasons for people being tardy to pre-scheduled appointments. But much of the time it has more to do with the fact that they don’t see how their tardiness impacts the entire system.

In business school, many people are conditioned to focus on what they need to do to get ahead. Early in my career, when I was still in the corporate world, I was trying to get the company’s managers to attend an overview on our new quality management system. An influential senior leader declined, saying, “I’ve had plenty of training and experience in that area, and I don’t need a refresher.” Disappointed in my ability to convince him to attend, I shared my frustration with my boss, and have never forgotten his reply: “Neither one of you understand leadership yet. It is not just about what you can get from something. Much more important is what you can give to others.”

As leaders, we need to transcend independence and build practices, habits, and systems that emphasize the importance of interdependence. This is where synergy takes place, when we move from a mindset of me to we. To quote the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Coach Herb Brooks, “The name on the front of the jersey is a helluva lot more important than the name on the back.”

As human beings, we’re all on the same team. The more we internalize the ideal, the more we can accomplish. Let’s learn to share our gifts so that we might all share in the spoils of success.

Send me an email at ralph@getemergent.com if you’re interested in developing interdependence in your organization.