One of the most common complaints of the workforce today is not feeling heard or understood by one’s manager. It sounds like this:
“My boss doesn’t listen to me.”
“My manager doesn’t understand what it’s like.”
“My supervisor isn’t open to my perspective.”
“I wish I had more of a say in _____” (fill in the blank: the direction we are going, new product development, goal setting).
On the flip side, common complaints of leaders are lack of focus, too many distractions, back-to-back meetings, and not enough time with their teams. If either of these scenarios sounds familiar, here is a leadership practice worth mastering. It’s called communicating through acknowledging and validating, and it’s both an efficient and effective means of navigating workplace issues.
Acknowledging, the first step, involves mirroring back or paraphrasing what someone says (“What you’re saying is …” or “Let me see if I understand the situation you’re describing …”) Validating is affirming in some way that you can see or understand things from another’s perspective (“It sounds like you are excited about this idea” or “Based on how you described that, it sounds really challenging.”) Hint (and this is important): notice how someone is feeling first and comment on that before responding to the context of the conversation.
Here’s a before and after example:
Someone walks into your office, and you notice from their body language they seem frustrated and not their normal self.
Version 1
Mary: Hey boss, got a second?
You: Sure, what’s up?
Mary: I’ve been working on this presentation that’s due next week but I’m having a hard time getting the information I need to complete it by the date we committed to the customer. It seems like everyone is on vacation this week and no one is available to confirm all the data the client asked for. It’s a big mess!
You: Look, Mary, you were a part of the original project plan and the deadlines. We don’t have any options; we’ve got to get this in on time. You’ve always pulled through for us – that’s why I put you on this project. Let me know how I can help. Maybe I can pull some strings to get us an extension of a day or two, but that’s only a last resort.
(Mary leaves deflated and still frustrated.)
Version 2
Mary: Hey boss, got a second?
You: Sure, what’s up?
Mary: I’ve been working on this presentation that’s due next week but I’m having a hard time getting the information I need to complete it by the date we committed to the customer. It seems like everyone is on vacation this week and no one is available to confirm all the data the client asked for. It’s a big mess!
You: It sounds like you are close to completion but you’ve run up against a wall getting the final details. (acknowledging)That’s frustrating. (validating)
Mary: Yeah, it is … and on top of that, I’m afraid we might lose the customer if we don’t get this in on time.
You: These timelines were a big part of the agreement upfront, so I can understand why you’d feel that way. (validating) What do you recommend?
Mary: Any chance of getting an extension on the deadline?
You: Are you suggesting that if we get a one or two-day extension, you’d be confident of completing this on time? (acknowledging and validating understanding)
Mary: I think so.
You: It might be an option, but I’d really like that to be a last resort. What else could we do? (curiosity with an open end-question with confidence that Mary will come up with another idea)
Mary: Well, Casey, is on vacation but his supervisor might be somewhat familiar with the data we need enough to finish on time. Let me check with her first. Thanks for your help!
(Mary leaves feeling like you solved the problem. You didn’t. She did!)
If you are thinking that I’m making it sound easy (especially because I can write this happy ending), try it out. You’ll get two positive outcomes: 1) the person you are communicating with will feel more heard, and 2) you will feel like you supported that person without solving it yourself. And that’s a great day as a leader.
Keep leading!
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