Assertiveness is often depicted as the middle point on a continuum between passiveness and aggression. It’s the perfect balance of listening and speaking, understanding and being understood. I’ve used this continuum model in my coaching and leadership for many years as a way to describe the location of assertiveness, which I believe is the ideal operational headquarters of effective communication.
It’s the sweet spot, right in the middle. Balanced and thoughtful. Insistent on being heard, but interested in hearing other voices. Assertiveness is the goal, and I believe that firmly.
But I’ve come to recognize in my 5th decade on the planet that assertiveness is not located in the middle of a straight-line continuum. Rather, it is the top point of a triangle!
In a recent coaching engagement, I illustrated this concept by asking my client to visualize the continuum model, with aggression on one end, passiveness on the other, and assertiveness in the middle, then to imagine pulling assertiveness up–transforming the line into a triangle. Immediately, she noticed that assertiveness was above the others, a higher place from which to operate.
I prefer this model because assertiveness is not simply the average of passive and aggressive traits. Rather, it represents a heightened awareness, the summit of the mountain where we get the best view of the facts and can make the fairest judgement. Being assertive is a way of seeing things as they are, without the need to protect our egos (passivity) or attack the viewpoints of others (aggression).
The triangle works on another level, too: like hiking a mountain, it’s a serious effort for most of us to climb to the enlightened heights of assertiveness. The knowledge, self-worth, and poise required to be assertive are not easy to come by. And even once you’ve reached the summit, it’s difficult to find your footing. Imagine trying to remain balanced on the point of a triangle! There’s always the risk of falling towards one side or the other, especially once the proverbial winds start blowing.
My client recognized the risk of slipping down one side or the other in high-stress situations. In her case, she anticipated a preference to revert to passivity when she felt herself wavering at the peak. She remembered some difficult conversations from her past in which she fell back on passive habits, unable to remain balanced on the peak of assertiveness.
This gave me an idea. I asked my client to think about what she could do to excavate the top of the triangle, to create a flat platform that was easier to stand on. Her answers amazed me.
First, she said she could be more proactive in planning and preparing for difficult conversations. For her, this meant envisioning the conversation in advance, and picturing how her most assertive self would act. These traits might include active listening, eye contact, and deep breaths–anything to help keep her grounded and to stave off the impulse to exit the conversation.
She also predicted that the more time she spends being assertive (at the point of the triangle) the more familiar it will become. She will become more adept at noticing the signs of a potential fall into passivity, and devise means of keeping her footing.
These observations were brilliant, and made so much sense to me that I wanted to share them in this space. Making a habit of assertiveness is a difficult challenge, but one that everyone can accomplish through deliberate practice and mindful self-awareness. My client expanded my understanding of the triangle metaphor by reminding me that the more time we spend in challenging situations, the more comfortable we become with the challenge.
A few notes on coaching…
I learned so much from this session that I almost felt guilty–it seemed like my client was the expert, not me! But coaching is not didactic. My role is not simply to impart knowledge. Rather, coaching is about asking fairly simple questions at the right time, and letting the client find the answers within themselves. My questions got her there, but to be honest, I didn’t know where “there” would be until we arrived together.
I share this piece because it might be helpful to you. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a coach, I guarantee you coach people every day. Leaders who take the opportunity to hone their coaching skills enjoy greater achievements in their organizations, more trust and retention with their employees, and higher levels of satisfaction for themselves.
If you’d like to learn more about Emergent’s “Leader As Coach” development experience, please reach out to me directly ([email protected]) or check out our Leader As Coach page.
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