Stuck

“Where in your work and/or life do you feel most stuck?”

This is one of the last and most revealing questions we ask a new coaching client on our Discovery Questionnaire, a three-page form that starts the coaching process.

The answers to this question are always helpful in learning about a new coaching client’s self-perspective and setting a possible direction for the work ahead. Typically, the answers reveal a glimpse at an aspirational or desired state that is not yet being reached. The question leads us to a goal, and helps us set the scope of the work.

But what is “stuckness,” and how do we get stuck?

Stuckness can be defined as a state in which we generate no new insights. In my experience, this often happens when we are “too present”–too invested in or too used to familiar experiences. When our scope is narrowed to what’s right in front of us we lose something in the way of perspective. If we are entirely accepting of the present and incurious about alternatives, we have no impetus to challenge our status quo, gain traction, and move in a new direction. In other words, we’re stuck!

That reflects somewhat poorly on the idea of being present, which is something we tend to see as a good thing. The ability to bring one’s full attention to the present moment is a rare and valuable skill. Remember, though, what Emerson said: “What are we but our best angle of vision? Man is his perspective.” Being present is a wonderful state of being, but it is necessarily devoid of self-awareness. As soon as we become aware of ourselves and the many paths we can take, we cease to be present!

This expansion of awareness is periodically necessary to freshen perspectives and inject new ideas. Being present is a frictionless state, but sometimes friction is necessary to generate positive change.

Think of it this way: when you are totally present, you are like a character in a story, unaware of your status as a character and focused only on your immediate motivations. But you are also the storyteller, and in this role you can zoom out and see yourself from a broader perspective. This is no longer a present state, but one of self-reflection. You are no longer identifying directly with your present experience but seeing it as part of a larger story, which you get to tell. This might sound a bit optimistic–unlike novel writers, we lack absolute power over the worlds we create. But this process of zooming out can help us get unstuck! By taking on the storyteller role, we can gain insight into our true character and re-establish our ideal relationship to the world around us.

How to do it?

Question your angle of vision. Reframe the experience you are having. Try to look at what you are feeling, doing, and experiencing from another vantage point. Imagine what others might see and think when they look at you. Sometimes I pretend to be someone I admire and imagine their perspective on a particularly thorny problem.

Question your perspective. Who says you can trust the first thought or analysis that comes to mind? You might run an experiment the next time you’re deciding what to do: do not get into action until you have your third unique thought about the topic, and run with that one! Why is first always better?

Finally, question the story you are telling. Don’t default to habitual thinking and behaviors, particularly if what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working out for you.

Notice all three “how to” suggestions are questioning exercises?

Questions can get us “unstuck,” and a really powerful question can do so much more. Questions spark curiosity, learning, and growth, all of which are “unstuck” dynamics. Next time you feel stuck, stop seeking answers and instead seek the powerful questions that force you out of presence and into possibility!

You don’t have to go it alone. Sometimes it is helpful to have a thought partner in your development experiments, whether a trusted friend, an advisor, or a coach. If you’re looking for help getting unstuck, send me an email at [email protected].